Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
For Christians and non-Christians, not forgiving someone for hurting you, or wronging you in some way, can have far-reaching consequences. Unforgiveness can cause seeds of bitterness which will grow and steal from you peace in life and, if you’re a Christian, the joy of your salvation.
I have experienced it in my own life, in my case it was before I became a Christian. I allowed unforgiveness to let me become bitter and distrusting. I let it affect my life in so many ways. It had to do with my father whom I loved dearly. He not only hurt me deeply, but hurt my mother too, so deeply. For years I carried that hurt, and I told myself I could never forgive him. I believe he knew, which resulted him carrying more anger and resentment pointed at me, because of the guilt he felt.
This went on and the seeds of bitterness in both of us grew until the night I came to Jesus, broken, and asking for forgiveness. I finally knew in my heart that He was who He said He was, the Son of God and I believed what He had done for me on the cross. The enormity of that revelation overwhelmed me and the very first thing I felt was all the hurt and bitterness leaving me, for anyone who had ever hurt me, especially my father. All the love that God poured into me through the Holy Spirit at my salvation just washed that all away. I knew if God could forgive all I had done, the very least I could do was forgive my earthly father for all he had done. Of course, when I called my dad to tell him about my salvation, he did not want to hear it, and hung up on me. I was not surprised. I wasn’t even really that hurt because I was seeing it through very different lenses, but all the pain, anger, and bitterness was gone.
I tried witnessing to my dad on a couple of occasions, but it was always the same, he hung up on me. Later he was diagnosed with oat cell lung cancer, very aggressive. I knew he did not have long, and I did not want my dad to remain lost. I went to my pastor and asked for help, as I was still a new Christian and was not sure to do. He told me we could pray the intercessory prayer to send someone he might listen to so we did. My pastor knew another pastor in the town where my dad lived, and he asked him to visit. The next Sunday I received the joyous news that my dad had accepted Christ when the pastor visited him. Since dad did not know that I had heard the news, I waited for him to tell me. Instead I received a call from my sister that dad was in the hospital and I must come quickly. I did so, and when I went into his room his eyes were closed, and I sat in the chair by the bed to wait. After a short time, he opened his eyes, saw me, and reached for my hand. That was the first time in years my dad had reached out to me. I took his hand and smiled, he said, “I want you to know that I am alright,” and I knew what he meant. I told him I was so happy that he was, then he said he loved me, which I had not heard in many years. I told him I loved him too. He died shortly thereafter. I thank God for letting us make that peace and I had the joy that my earthly dad was going to see our Heavenly Father when he passed. I told this story to show how cleansing forgiveness is, especially for the forgiver. You cannot control what the person who hurt you does or says, but you can get rid of the bitterness that binds YOU if you forgive them. In many cases, like between my dad and I before he was saved, I could not heal his anger and bitterness, but I could heal mine through forgiving him, as Christ has forgiven me.
A similar situation happened with my sister. She had been in bad health for a while, and I was spending a lot of time with her, helping her get things in order, going through photos, etc. Her cancer had come back, and she chose not to have treatment. She was tired, she was in pain, and she just wanted God to take her home. She had said to me a few times that she did not understand why He wouldn’t go ahead and take her because she was ready. I told her there must be something He had left for her to do. During one of these conversations, forgiveness entered the talk and she told me that she had not, and could not, forgive someone who had hurt her and someone else she loved very much. This person had put them through some pretty bad stuff that she described to me but I will not, in deference to her, talk about it now, but it was very bad. I talked to her about it, told her that she needed to forgive this person. I told her that forgiveness was not letting the person win, as she felt that forgiving the person would be doing. I told her that unforgiveness was hurting her, hurting her relationship with God, and had been taking her joy in the Lord for years. I told her she needed to let go of the bitterness and hatred she felt for that person and get her joy back so it could occupy the place all that mess was filling up. She told me she would try. I told her to ask the Lord to help her, she did not have to do it alone, maybe she couldn’t in and of herself, but the Holy Spirit inside her could. Later, not long before she went into hospice and it would be the last time I saw her in her home, she grabbed my hand and pulled me down close to her and told me that she had forgiven that person, finally. I asked her how it felt and she said,“like the weight of the world has been lifted off me.” Her eyes and sweet smile told me that joy had replaced bitterness. In that moment, we both knew without saying why the good Lord had not taken her before this.
If you are experiencing this in your life, or see it in the life of a family member or friend, you might share this little prayer with them to help them replace all that hurt, anger, and bitterness with the joy of their salvation:
Lord, please help me not to let anger and bitterness keep me from forgiving someone who has hurt or wronged me. Give me the strength to forgive them just as You have forgiven me, and replace that unforgiveness with the joy of my salvation. In Jesus’ name, Amen.